A profound feeling of hopelessness compounded with a great intensity of desire. Gray skies surrounding your senses, clouding your conscience and bruising your ego. Is it possible to love another being as the fairy tales describe? Or is this feeling merely a folktale we are taught to believe?
If love truly exists, why does it hurt? Why does the thought of loving someone take your breath away and make your knees weak, among other emotions?
In my journey to self-love, I’m discovering the importance of loving myself entirely before I can invest an ounce of myself into another being or thing (my kids not included!). I believe that to love yourself you must love all of you, the good and bad, darkness and light. I can feel it in me. I know that I have equal parts sadness and despair, hope and admiration. Deciding which part to shine is where I’ve needed to start over.
Love can be broken down into many forms. You can love your friends, yet not want to see them often. You love your children, cherish all of their sweet indifference, yet want to scream when they drive you crazy. You can love a partner, yet grow apart from them. You can love your belongings, yet know that survival doesn’t depend on any of it. But do you love you with all that you have? I can say with certainty that I have not, but each day I work towards creating a new appreciation for who I am, who I’ve been and who I am yet to be. My imperfect self has thrown me off track more times than I care to say, yet I know that by loving myself more and more each day I’ll be the person I’ve promised myself I’ll be.
Not all love is wanted, or warranted. Sometimes we try to force love on someone or something that simply isn’t meant for us. There are some people who come into our lives, we fall in love only to fall right back out of it. I believe that love is here to teach us more about ourselves than of others. We can be guided by love, yet no one can make you love. I am not a person that’s good at pretending. My character will not allow for it. If I don’t feel it, it’s not going to happen. I’m an emotionally driven personality. I cannot “fake” my like or dislike for someone or something. My face gives it away, regardless of how I try to control it. My eyes speak truths, even when I attempt to sugar coat my true feelings.
Love is twisted. It has a strange sense of humor. Sometimes it plays tricks on our minds and other times it plays ping-pong between the heart and brain. Who’s to say we’re wrong? If love truly exists, then maybe, just maybe that should be where our energy lies. Let’s love and be loved.